You can definitely tell when life takes a turn when the content stops churning. Well, it never stopped per se, it just went into thirty or so pages of papers I had to write for school. But there’s good news: the end of 2017 is the year I graduate, and all the academic paper-writing will be finished. Then I can focus on more entertaining (and hopefully more financially viable) things to write about. Although I did get my 20 page paper on the stigma surrounding bipolar disorder accepted by UCUR (or Utah Conference on Undergraduate Research)! Which means I get to give a presentation on my paper to a crowd in February. I think? So that’s exciting.
I’ve reached a point in my quest to quell the bipolar that I’m not sure how much better things could be. I’m no longer exhausted 24/7 (although in this short break in time I tried to get an overnight job at a local grocery store only to quit two days later, which has permanently altered my internal clock). My brain doesn’t get quite as stuck on negative thoughts and memories (what does get stuck are strange songs I haven’t heard in years, a lot of Disney music for some reason). But I’ve lost a lot of my ability to focus when writing and studying, and I have a lot of trouble relaxing when there’s nothing going on. It also doesn’t help that I feel like I’m stuck in a vacuum, with no one around to share time with. You wouldn’t think university would be isolating, but it has been, especially these upper division classes. In other words, medically I think I’m on the right path already. But that isn’t the only thing that needs fixing.
That’s the hard part to admit. I should be celebrating right now, with finals done for the semester and finding a set of meds that work, but it’s never felt less like a Christmas than this year. Even being with family hasn’t helped bring me any closer to feeling content. Instead it’s just boredom, stuffing my face with food (not in a fun way), being annoyed and angry at family, and trying to drown out the silence of being awake at three in the morning by myself.
So while I wait for the end of school and when I can confidently start searching for self-sustaining employment (not a solution to my stated problems, to be sure), I’ll be here trying to find the confidence and time to tell more of Aeo’s story. I really want to.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, to anyone who reads this! Here’s to 2017 and even more improvement!