I don’t like being dramatic, especially when it comes to my own life. I guess no one would know it by the way I reach out for help on Facebook. I’ve spent a large amount of my life trying to avoid drama and, consequently, meaningful relationships that I could be cultivating with others. I’m wired in a weird way. I try to share what I’m feeling, and it comes out in one of two ways: either I sound like I’m fishing for sympathy from close friends and family, or I alienate acquaintances and people I don’t know.
Because of course, no one wants to hear you talk about bipolar depression. I mean, what are you supposed to say, right? It feels like admitting the personal demon sitting on your shoulder. It demonstrates a weak attempt to seem different and unique, or emotionally deep and brooding. The words sound pathetic coming out of my mouth, especially in response to the oft-asked question: “How are you doing?” If the answer is anything but “good” or “all right”, then you can either put on a mask and lie or respond by selfishly turning the conversation to yourself.
See? It already sounds like I’m looking for pity just by writing this all down. I can’t describe my feelings without wondering if I’m wasting my time. No one wants to hear all this. Not even me. Though this seems to be the only subject I’m knowledgeable about these days.
And all this junk goes through my head whenever I attempt to socialize.
You know in most video games (any Zelda game comes to mind), how you crawl through dungeons, solving puzzles and defeating a bunch of enemies only to come to a gigantic boss fight? Usually in that dungeon you find a tool or magic item that enables you to defeat it with startling efficiency. The hero can defeat bosses hundred of times their size (Shadow of the Colossus comes to mind), or tear through hundreds of monsters with relative ease (Kingdom Hearts 2 comes to mind). In all of these cases, as is the case with most video games, these massive obstacles are designed to be defeated. Afterwards, the story moves on, and the plot continues to unfold.
In my dungeon, there’s no tool of magic item. Even the smallest monsters sap my health points within minutes. I’ve only got a small lantern in a huge foreboding cavern, and there’s not a large brazier or wall torch in sight. I’d say this dungeon mirrors Dark Souls or Bloodbourne in difficulty, but despite their designs, they too were created to be beaten. If my dungeon were designed to be overcome, it’s gotta be one of those long and complicated final dungeons; and all I got is a rusty knife and a shield made of flotsam.
My brittle defense is better than I had a few months ago, though. So there’s that. “Progress,” I guess.
And when I feel like I’m coming to the final boss, feeling the slightest glimmer of confidence for the battle ahead, I step into the room to find the gigantic monster is invisible and has more than twenty life bars. You know what I mean? I can get away with a few timid swipes. Then comes the smashing and slashing, and I’m sent right back to the beginning room without any health potions. I think I lose all my rupees, too; it depends on the day.
Of course this is the best analogy I can come up with; my video game senses are the only thing I can be proud of these days.
So this is the reason I’ve been unable to update this blog. With everything clogging up my mind, the last thing I feel like doing is drawing cartoons. Or writing anything, for that matter. I guess I apologize to myself. I’m trying to find a hobby I can call my own, and enjoy it for its own sake. But boy, it’s hard. In one of my digital media classes in college, the professor told us to make this promise: that we would produce more than we consume. That way, we’d be guaranteed success in life. That would be nice. Because I am the very definition of a consumer. Entertainment, food, time… And then the guilt of consuming makes me sad, and leads me to consume more.
So, yeah, drama. As a writer, I suppose drama is something positive to convey. And as much as I hate it, I’m sure good at it. Oh well. It’s all therapy. Perhaps that’s one of the few health potions I have left.
Just a few thoughts about the way life is shaping up at the moment. I’m just clinging to the hope that I can beat this final boss in the end. I can’t even dream, but I hear there’s a heck of a cutscene afterwards. There might even be a new game+. I guess we’ll see.
An awesome image about anxiety. ZestyDoesThings designed monsters based on mental health issues, including bipolar. They’re all neat.